Thankful Tuesday: Trying to Turn a Pity Party into Gratitude

Okay, so I’m really working myself up to a feeling sorry for myself pity party. I was just thinking that my house will never be what I want it to be. It’s always messy and even though I really try my best to keep it all organized, it just doesn’t seem to all fit. This blog is a pathetic example of a blog. It doesn’t look really great like some of those blogs and the writing is mediocre. My husband spent the entire day ignoring me except to chew me out when the kids got too noisy. It made me feel like he really doesn’t want to have anything to do with me and only tolerates me because I’m the mother of his children. Then I yelled at the kids again tonight because they just know how to push my every button. When I tell them to go to bed, they don’t listen. Then they have a bad day at school the next day because they just didn’t get enough sleep. So basically, I’m a horrible mother, wife, housekeeper, and blogger. So there is my pity party. Now I will try to turn it all around into gratitude.

My house may be a mess and disorganized and just not big enough for a large family, but it keeps us warm when it is super cold outside and we all have a place to sleep. I love this house for its wraparound porch and sun porch. My laundry room is kept clean and caught up because of my laundry habit of doing one load of laundry every day. Even my kitchen is staying clean because of the new rule that the boys and I have to get the kitchen clean before any of us can go to bed. It’s not as bad as I want to think it is.

My husband is extremely stressed right now, which seems to be a constant with his job. But I’m grateful to have him in my life. There may be times when he only tolerates me because I am the mother of his children, but he still shows me that he loves me. To add to his stress, he is planning a trip for us to celebrate our ten-year wedding anniversary in Puerto Rico. I need to have patience with him when he seems to ignore me and not take it quite so personally.

When I decided to commit myself to this blog, I decided that I would not push it to be more than it could be right now. It’s a baby right now and it needs lots of coddling. We don’t expect a newborn to begin walking after only a few weeks of life, so why should I expect this blog and my experience as a blogger to be like that of those who have done this for years. I will just let the blog happen and grow and change as it will and as my experience allows. I’m grateful for the opportunity to have a blog.

Finally, the most difficult one and the one I struggle to forgive myself the most—my behavior toward my children. Bedtime is a nightmare for me. It doesn’t help that I do it by myself every single night. Few moms will tackle bedtime all by themselves. They will require their husbands help with this ever difficult task. However, this does not excuse my behavior. I’m grateful for the ever-forgiving and loving mercy of God when my behavior toward my children becomes less-than-stellar. I continue to pray for God to help me learn patience and figure out a way to made bedtime less painful for all of us. I pray that my children will forgive me and not see my behavior as a sign that I don’t love them. I pray they don’t learn to resent me. I pray that we can form a close relationship and learn to bond over these mistakes that I keep making. I pray…

Thoughts of a stay-at-home mom

Some days I really miss teaching school. I miss designing really neat projects and watching kids just take off with their ideas. I miss discussing books with kids. I miss not being able to take a project that I find somewhere and incorporate it in my classroom. For example, I would love to do the Me in a Box project with a group of kids and see what they do with it. Or take a list of journal entries that would get them writing and thinking. I miss having something that so engaged my mind, time seemed to stand still and fly all at once.

However, with every one of these thoughts, I’m reminded of other things that I don’t miss like getting up super early every morning and get several kids ready to go for the day, so I can drop them off at the daycare late and thus get to school late. I don’t miss the battles of the wills I would have with my students because it didn’t matter how great the project was, they just didn’t want to do it. I don’t miss the guilt of not being with my own children every day in order to be with other people’s children. I don’t miss having to spend every second of my life working on my job or cleaning house or taking care of my own children. I don’t miss not having time to cultivate some of my own interests. I don’t miss the politics or the constant demands from the legislators, the school board or the administration.

Then when I think about the things I don’t miss, I think about what I like about what I do now. I like having a little time to knit or quilt or read or write. I like that my house is not an absolute disaster because I am home more to keep it under control. I like that I can work with my husband a little thus spending a little time with him every day. I like understanding his job in ways many wives probably don’t understand their husband’s job unless they do what their husband does or work with him in some capacity. I like being completely available to my kids. If they get sick or hurt or need to go to the doctor, I’m there to do it. I can be involved in their 4-H and their cub scouts and even a little in their classroom. I can take their lunches to them if they want it. I like not having to pay someone to raise my kids. I like having them around me most times with their energy and cuteness and creativity and unique personalities.

Yes, some days I miss teaching, but I’m grateful for having the life I have. It may be simple and boring to some, but it’s the way I like it.

Spiritual Sunday: Praying Hard Enough

Is it possible to pray harder for something and it will come to pass? Can a quick prayer in passing have just as much weight as lying prostrate on the ground begging God to assist us in our times of crisis? Does prayer require us to meditate for several minutes on a petition or can I simply ask God to be with us and with those who need our prayers? The Bible tells to pray without ceasing, so what exactly does this mean? Are we praying hard enough if we turn every thing we do into a prayer?

These questions of prayer come up when I think of my father-in-law who is very sick with cancer. He is right in the midst of chemo treatments right now and has a whole host of complications to go with those treatments. I suppose those who have experienced chemo treatments firsthand can understand side effects from them. He is currently in the hospital because he fell last week and couldn’t get back up since the chemo has left him so weak. My mom-in-law was unable to get him back to his chair, so they called an ambulance who took him to the hospital. In the hospital, they found his blood pressure to be dangerously low and other levels such as his creatine were dangerously high.

After spending nearly a week in ICU, they finally moved him to his own room, so he seems to be getting better. During this entire ordeal, I have been praying a great deal for him, my mother-in-law, and all of us to be able to help in any way possible. When I hear that he seems to be getting better, I feel relieved and feel God answered our prayers. Then I wonder. I don’t think I prayed hard enough. How does one pray hard enough?

Another family in our town just lost their patriarch this last week to heart complications. I know every member of that family prayed hard for his recovery, but he still died. Is it possible that there are degrees of praying, and God listens to some prayers more than others? Or maybe certain prayers just aren’t meant to be answered the way we want. Is it really possible to pray harder or do we just present our petitions and believe that God will take care of it for us?

As I ponder these questions, I remember the Holy Spirit helps us to pray, so perhaps we don’t really need to understand the mystery of prayer. Perhaps we just do our best and have the faith the Holy Spirit will take it the rest of the way.

What would your "Me in a Box" contain?

The Writing Out Loud blog recently wrote an entry about her daughter’s school project about filling a box with items that represent her passions and uniqueness. After reading this blog, I started thinking about what my “Me in a Box” would contain. What makes me special?

First of all, I would have to say that being a mom is a big part of what makes me special. I have five children who rely on me for their very survival, albeit to varying degrees. So the first thing the box would contain is a picture of me with my boys. Along with motherhood, being a wife to JJ is another part to include in the box. I am his wife, not any other man’s, so that requires something special because he is a completely unique individual.

Beyond these two very obvious parts of my life, the question becomes a little more difficult. I am passionate about knitting. I try to do a little knitting every single day, so I would include a pair of needles and some yarn. Quilting is also important, so I would include a bit of fabric and maybe a small project I am working on. Reading is definitely one of my passions. I would include one of my favorite books in the box.

Do I leave my box with these things? Being Catholic is a big part of my life, so maybe I need to include a rosary. However, I feel like so much of me is not included in this box. It’s just a snapshot of who I am, but what a wonderful project

Olympic Dreams

I love the Olympics. Every two years presents me with an excuse to finally love sports. I think one of the best parts about the Olympics is how many of the events are individual events. Not that I’m against team sports, but since I’m an introvert and prefer to do most things by myself, I can really see myself working hard as an individual to excel in some physical activity such as skiing or ice skating in the winter or swimming and gymnastics in the summer.

My favorite winter event when I was a little girl was ice skating. I loved the grace the girls demonstrated on the ice and dreamed of gliding and twirling on the ice just they did. I also always enjoyed the skiing events because they were just fun to watch. When I finally had a chance to ice skate and ski, I learned how difficult these activities could be, but I really love the individual nature of these exercises. I don’t have to worry about being a bench-warmer and with practice I know I could master any of these activities. They were both really a lot of fun too.

Every time I watch the Olympics, some of my original dreams come back from when I was a little girl. I want to discipline myself to excel in one of these events. I want the knowledge that I accomplished something for myself and for my country. Most of all, I just want to do it because it’s fun, it’s challenging, and ultimately, it’s rewarding. I’m well past the age to qualify for the Olympics, but it’s still fun to dream and ask what if.

Ten Things I Have Learned after Ten Years of Marriage

In honor of National Marriage Week, I wanted to spend some time reflecting about marriage. This May, my husband and I will celebrate ten years of marriage. It’s amazing to hit this milestone, but I think of marriages that last twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years or more as being phenomenal in many ways. We still have a long road before we hit these milestones. Then I think on the flip side how many marriages couldn’t last ten years—how many of my friends have divorced and now live single lives. So I still feel excited that my husband and I are still together and happy. However, these last ten years have not been easy. It has taken a lot of maturing on my part and my husband’s for us to make it this far. Here are a few things that I have learned about marriage and love in the time I’ve been married.

1. MARRIAGE AND LOVE ARE CHOICES. Marriage does not just happen. Love does not just happen. Everyone knows they take work, but they also require a choice—a choice that we must wake up every day and recommit ourselves to. I think some people get divorced because they don’t feel like they love their spouse anymore. In the last ten years, there were many times I really didn’t like my husband much and probably didn’t love him too much either. But I made a choice that I would love him and remain with him no matter what. I had to renew that resolve on those days that I almost hated my husband for the way he would talk to me or the way he would ignore me or the way he would try to control me.

2. CULTIVATE SIMILAR INTERESTS. While it’s important to have our own separate identity, it’s also important to cultivate similar interests. With this, I always think of Marty McFly’s parents in Back to the Future. Before Marty does his time traveling, his parents have nothing in common and spend very little meaningful time together. After Marty travels back in time, his parents return from playing tennis together and seem to totally connect with one another. When my husband and I first married, we really didn’t have too many similar interests. I love to read and could spend hours reading, but my husband can’t stand it and many times refuses to do it. However, he respects me and others who love to read because he knows how important reading can be in cultivating a mind. As for me, I really do not like sports. They bore me and I seldom care who’s playing much less who’s going to win. My husband, though, loves all sports. He really gets into the games. When we first married, both of us tried to get interested in one another’s loves, but with time and kids and changes in jobs, we both slowly stopped caring about these things. However, we have cultivated other interests together that help bind us. For example, we both love to travel. We always look for an excuse to travel somewhere and consider one another our best traveling buddy. We also both really love to watch movies and will stay up late after the kids go to bed to watch a movie together. We also work together. I work as my husband’s office manager and spend several days a week working with him in the office. Because I work closely with him and do much of his paperwork, I understand his job on a level few wives really understand their husband’s job unless they share the same profession. I feel blessed that my husband can discuss his job with me and I can understand as much as I can listen.

3. SOMETIMES IT REALLY IS ALL ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON. As with many guys, sex is very important to my husband. In the beginning years of our marriage, I would almost dread having to take the time to have sex with my husband. I felt that with the demands of two little boys, the housework, and my job, I just didn’t want to have yet one more demand on my list. However, now I realize that I really need to put these concerns aside when my husband wants to have sex. I no longer look at it as a demand. It is an expression of our love for one another. We practice Natural Family Planning, so we do make a decision before having sex if we really want a baby at that time. Other than that, I have learned that the physical act of love is huge in making my husband feel appreciated and loved. I may need something else, but I need to understand his mind too and try to meet his needs as well.

4. ATTITUDES TOWARD MONEY CAN REALLY MAKE OR BREAK A MARRIAGE. My husband and I share similar views on money. We both believe in the same investments. We both believe in the importance of saving money. However, we also understand the importance of spending money to enjoy life. Some couples we know will save every penny that is not spent on an absolute necessity. This means no eating out, no trips, no jewelry, no unnecessary clothes or other purchases. The husband believes in this save everything philosophy while the wife would like to spend a little money frivolously. My husband and I however, realize that saving is very important, but we also have to allow some money in the budget for fun spending. We make the best memories when we go bowling or out to eat or on a trip. It may cost some money to indulge in these activities, but we love the family or couple bonding they allow.

5. BUILD AND KEEP TRUST. I’ve learned that trust—building trust and keeping it—are huge factors in marriage. I implicitly trust my husband. He can do almost whatever he wants because I trust his sense of responsibility that he will not bankrupt our family or otherwise decide to do something that will destroy our family. I also trust in his self-control. I know he knows his limits.

6. SHARE YOUR FAITH. As I was growing up, my priest would say “A family that prays together, stays together.” One of my most important requirements when I was searching for a husband was that he shared my Catholic faith. Catholicism is so important to me that I knew I didn’t want my husband to question, ridicule, or ignore this most important part of me. I wanted him to share it with me, so I wanted to marry a practicing Catholic. After I married my husband, I sometimes doubted myself on using this as my determining criteria for my husband. Now, however, after having several kids with him, I realize this is the most important criteria. Catholicism demands a lot from a person, and to fully commit oneself to the faith requires quite a bit of courage. The Church teaches against the use of any kind of contraception, which means Catholics commit themselves to having a number of children. We do have some semblance of control, but ultimately, we all know that God has the control as He should in our reproductive lives. My husband completely shares this view with me and has committed himself to the Catholic faith just as I have. I feel blessed that we don’t pressure one another about having or not having children. We try to space them out a little, but both of us consider having children as the ultimate gift God could bestow on us.

7. FORGIVENESS IS IMPORTANT. As with anything regarding humans, we make mistakes. My husband and I have both made our fair share of mistakes. Perhaps we let stress get the better of us, and we didn’t always speak to one another with respect. Perhaps we were a little too self-indulgent and spent too much money. Perhaps we didn’t take the other person into consideration before we committed ourselves to some activity. Perhaps we didn’t exercise complete self-control and lost our tempers for a bit. Each time, we made these mistakes, we had to forgive one another and then leave it in the past. This goes back to making marriage and love a choice. Forgiving can be easy, but forgetting is hard. However, choosing to forget or to relegate mistakes to the past, we are choosing to love our spouse no matter what they may have done.

8. DEVELOP SIMILAR PARENTING PHILOSOPHIES. My husband and I don’t always agree on how to parent. My husband is still convinced that spanking works. I tend to believe there are more effective ways to deal with misbehavior. However, we share the most basic parenting philosophies. We don’t believe in being too strict, but we also don’t let our kids do whatever they want. We also don’t believe in getting our kids involved in every single activity available to them. Some parents over involve their kids by having them play every sport and participate in every activity. When we disagree on something regarding our kids, we have learned to respectfully talk to one another about our reasons for believing one way or another. This can also go back to our similar views on faith and money. We take our kids to Catholic Mass every Sunday and share the faith with them. We also believe in teaching our kids to save their money while letting them spend a little to have fun.

9. LEARN TO RESPECT ONE ANOTHER. When any two humans get together, there will be disagreements. Respect one another’s views and time. Know that having a clean house may not be a huge issue, but having one can show your spouse you respect the time they spend away from home working to provide for the family. Respect the other’s thoughts and privacy.

10. LISTEN AND GIVE YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. Recently, I read a blog where a woman mentioned the best marriage advice she received was to never be on the phone when your spouse comes home. At first, I thought this advice was silly, but I realized that it simply had a deeper message. We must give our spouse our full undivided attention and make them feel welcome in their own home. In addition, we need to learn to put our own frustrations and stressors aside to listen to their frustrations. Listening to one another can really change how a marriage grows.

Even though I cannot even begin to proclaim myself as an expert on marriage, I’ve learned that marriage much like a mosaic. The small details are important, but we need to always remember the big picture if we want it to last.

A Lesson in Perserverence

As my due date nears, I feel the compulsion to make something for the baby. This is the first child that I can actually knit items for in anticipation of his or her arrival. I started a blanket when I first learned I was pregnant, but I’m afraid the blanket may not be done in time for the baby’s birth.

So I did a search online to find an easy little baby hat that I could make for the baby that I could have at the hospital. The pattern can be found here thanks to the Dappled Things blog. I read through the pattern and found it to be very doable for my advanced beginner abilities, so I bought the yarn and needles necessary for the project and began working.

Initially, I used the long-tail kite cast-on because it was the only one I knew and proceeded on. However, about half-way through the project I made a mistake, and my skills as an advanced beginner did not include how to fix this particular error. Basically, I did the only thing I knew to do to fix it—I undid all the stitches and began again—attempt number one.

In the meantime, I attended a class teaching different cast-on techniques. I thought now at the restart of this project presented me with a perfect opportunity to try one of those new cast-on techniques I learned. I decided to use the cable cast-on and began casting on the number of stitches using the new technique, but I made a mistake again which meant tearing out the stitches and starting again—attempt number two.

After restarting the second time, I began to wonder if this two-hour baby hat would, in fact, take me twenty hours to complete, but I persevered and cast-on my stitches. This time I made it a third of the way through until, guess what, I made a mistake and had to start all over—attempt number three.

I’m really beginning to wonder if this project was meant to be, but something is keeping me from giving up. I’m determined to finish this project, so once again, I started again and have about six rows done in my attempt number four.

If there is one thing this project will teach me, it is that I can persevere even when it seems hopeless and wiser to just give up and move on. So here’s to knitting and its lessons on perserverence.