In honor of National Marriage Week, I wanted to spend some time reflecting about marriage. This May, my husband and I will celebrate ten years of marriage. It’s amazing to hit this milestone, but I think of marriages that last twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years or more as being phenomenal in many ways. We still have a long road before we hit these milestones. Then I think on the flip side how many marriages couldn’t last ten years—how many of my friends have divorced and now live single lives. So I still feel excited that my husband and I are still together and happy. However, these last ten years have not been easy. It has taken a lot of maturing on my part and my husband’s for us to make it this far. Here are a few things that I have learned about marriage and love in the time I’ve been married.
1. MARRIAGE AND LOVE ARE CHOICES. Marriage does not just happen. Love does not just happen. Everyone knows they take work, but they also require a choice—a choice that we must wake up every day and recommit ourselves to. I think some people get divorced because they don’t feel like they love their spouse anymore. In the last ten years, there were many times I really didn’t like my husband much and probably didn’t love him too much either. But I made a choice that I would love him and remain with him no matter what. I had to renew that resolve on those days that I almost hated my husband for the way he would talk to me or the way he would ignore me or the way he would try to control me.
2. CULTIVATE SIMILAR INTERESTS. While it’s important to have our own separate identity, it’s also important to cultivate similar interests. With this, I always think of Marty McFly’s parents in Back to the Future. Before Marty does his time traveling, his parents have nothing in common and spend very little meaningful time together. After Marty travels back in time, his parents return from playing tennis together and seem to totally connect with one another. When my husband and I first married, we really didn’t have too many similar interests. I love to read and could spend hours reading, but my husband can’t stand it and many times refuses to do it. However, he respects me and others who love to read because he knows how important reading can be in cultivating a mind. As for me, I really do not like sports. They bore me and I seldom care who’s playing much less who’s going to win. My husband, though, loves all sports. He really gets into the games. When we first married, both of us tried to get interested in one another’s loves, but with time and kids and changes in jobs, we both slowly stopped caring about these things. However, we have cultivated other interests together that help bind us. For example, we both love to travel. We always look for an excuse to travel somewhere and consider one another our best traveling buddy. We also both really love to watch movies and will stay up late after the kids go to bed to watch a movie together. We also work together. I work as my husband’s office manager and spend several days a week working with him in the office. Because I work closely with him and do much of his paperwork, I understand his job on a level few wives really understand their husband’s job unless they share the same profession. I feel blessed that my husband can discuss his job with me and I can understand as much as I can listen.
3. SOMETIMES IT REALLY IS ALL ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON. As with many guys, sex is very important to my husband. In the beginning years of our marriage, I would almost dread having to take the time to have sex with my husband. I felt that with the demands of two little boys, the housework, and my job, I just didn’t want to have yet one more demand on my list. However, now I realize that I really need to put these concerns aside when my husband wants to have sex. I no longer look at it as a demand. It is an expression of our love for one another. We practice Natural Family Planning, so we do make a decision before having sex if we really want a baby at that time. Other than that, I have learned that the physical act of love is huge in making my husband feel appreciated and loved. I may need something else, but I need to understand his mind too and try to meet his needs as well.
4. ATTITUDES TOWARD MONEY CAN REALLY MAKE OR BREAK A MARRIAGE. My husband and I share similar views on money. We both believe in the same investments. We both believe in the importance of saving money. However, we also understand the importance of spending money to enjoy life. Some couples we know will save every penny that is not spent on an absolute necessity. This means no eating out, no trips, no jewelry, no unnecessary clothes or other purchases. The husband believes in this save everything philosophy while the wife would like to spend a little money frivolously. My husband and I however, realize that saving is very important, but we also have to allow some money in the budget for fun spending. We make the best memories when we go bowling or out to eat or on a trip. It may cost some money to indulge in these activities, but we love the family or couple bonding they allow.
5. BUILD AND KEEP TRUST. I’ve learned that trust—building trust and keeping it—are huge factors in marriage. I implicitly trust my husband. He can do almost whatever he wants because I trust his sense of responsibility that he will not bankrupt our family or otherwise decide to do something that will destroy our family. I also trust in his self-control. I know he knows his limits.
6. SHARE YOUR FAITH. As I was growing up, my priest would say “A family that prays together, stays together.” One of my most important requirements when I was searching for a husband was that he shared my Catholic faith. Catholicism is so important to me that I knew I didn’t want my husband to question, ridicule, or ignore this most important part of me. I wanted him to share it with me, so I wanted to marry a practicing Catholic. After I married my husband, I sometimes doubted myself on using this as my determining criteria for my husband. Now, however, after having several kids with him, I realize this is the most important criteria. Catholicism demands a lot from a person, and to fully commit oneself to the faith requires quite a bit of courage. The Church teaches against the use of any kind of contraception, which means Catholics commit themselves to having a number of children. We do have some semblance of control, but ultimately, we all know that God has the control as He should in our reproductive lives. My husband completely shares this view with me and has committed himself to the Catholic faith just as I have. I feel blessed that we don’t pressure one another about having or not having children. We try to space them out a little, but both of us consider having children as the ultimate gift God could bestow on us.
7. FORGIVENESS IS IMPORTANT. As with anything regarding humans, we make mistakes. My husband and I have both made our fair share of mistakes. Perhaps we let stress get the better of us, and we didn’t always speak to one another with respect. Perhaps we were a little too self-indulgent and spent too much money. Perhaps we didn’t take the other person into consideration before we committed ourselves to some activity. Perhaps we didn’t exercise complete self-control and lost our tempers for a bit. Each time, we made these mistakes, we had to forgive one another and then leave it in the past. This goes back to making marriage and love a choice. Forgiving can be easy, but forgetting is hard. However, choosing to forget or to relegate mistakes to the past, we are choosing to love our spouse no matter what they may have done.
8. DEVELOP SIMILAR PARENTING PHILOSOPHIES. My husband and I don’t always agree on how to parent. My husband is still convinced that spanking works. I tend to believe there are more effective ways to deal with misbehavior. However, we share the most basic parenting philosophies. We don’t believe in being too strict, but we also don’t let our kids do whatever they want. We also don’t believe in getting our kids involved in every single activity available to them. Some parents over involve their kids by having them play every sport and participate in every activity. When we disagree on something regarding our kids, we have learned to respectfully talk to one another about our reasons for believing one way or another. This can also go back to our similar views on faith and money. We take our kids to Catholic Mass every Sunday and share the faith with them. We also believe in teaching our kids to save their money while letting them spend a little to have fun.
9. LEARN TO RESPECT ONE ANOTHER. When any two humans get together, there will be disagreements. Respect one another’s views and time. Know that having a clean house may not be a huge issue, but having one can show your spouse you respect the time they spend away from home working to provide for the family. Respect the other’s thoughts and privacy.
10. LISTEN AND GIVE YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. Recently, I read a blog where a woman mentioned the best marriage advice she received was to never be on the phone when your spouse comes home. At first, I thought this advice was silly, but I realized that it simply had a deeper message. We must give our spouse our full undivided attention and make them feel welcome in their own home. In addition, we need to learn to put our own frustrations and stressors aside to listen to their frustrations. Listening to one another can really change how a marriage grows.
Even though I cannot even begin to proclaim myself as an expert on marriage, I’ve learned that marriage much like a mosaic. The small details are important, but we need to always remember the big picture if we want it to last.
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